Mildly anxious thoughts about work before falling asleep last night. And then a realisation - my anxiety is really caused by inability to fulfil the desire for things/states I wrongly assume will bring me permanent happiness (like my boss treating me fairly, me paying off debts and so on). That night, I had a dream … Continue reading 27 Apr. Dukkha.
It's wonderful how in meditation the complexity of the outside world is reduced to just one of the three feelings: pleasant, unpleasant, neutral, and how the vast network of thoughts (we perceive as unique, personal and private) turns out to originate from a single source: boring, common, mundane and banal craving.
I have received yet another solid dose of injustice in my workplace a few days ago. I saw it coming and I was dreading those sleepless nights, bad mood, frustration and anger I have experienced so many times before. And yet, it is very different this time. What I feel the most in the nasty … Continue reading 9 Apr 20. It only hurts when you think about it.
Here is my morning routine. I get up. I think about my job. My heart is racing. I feel angry and tired. I have a cup of coffee. I don't expect to wake up happy anymore. And it breaks my heart. This morning however a realisation overwhelmed me: those hurtful thoughts are not the norm, … Continue reading 5 Apr 20. Distractions.
Every day for a few minutes I read from the Anapanasati Sutta. Very carefully. With pleasure. I have memorised the first two tetrads: about the breath and feelings becoming quiet. When I don't feel like meditating, I tell myself: Today I will not meditate. I will just sit down for a few minutes and count … Continue reading 2 Apr 20. Today I will not meditate.
In my dream, I was reading an article written by an elderly Soto Zen nun describing enlightenment of her master. She was able to capture in words the actual process of transformation. As I was reading it, the awareness of my own faults and failures grew. At the end of the text, when the master … Continue reading 21 Mar 20. A dream.
I woke up before 6 AM. I had a coffee number 1 and a coffee number 2. I read Satipatthana Sutta. I think I now understand why the Theravada sutras are written in this peculiar way: full of repetitions. I have noticed that it is only irritating when you are reading the text for the … Continue reading 18 Mar 20. Hate.