I didn’t get to sit yesterday morning. Still sick. Just 4 hours of shallow sleep. But I got to sit last night. I managed to meditate for 20 minutes. Sitting in the dark with my eyes closed I experienced no drowsiness at all. Am I getting good at being still?
I tried to be mindful of my body and breath. I tried to silence the inner chatter. But I couldn’t. And then an idea struck me… I have two types of thoughts:
- Involuntary random thoughts, a noise, a product of the mind exhausted by the sickness, stress, lack of sleep and food. I realized that I wouldn’t be able to stop it. Just like I wouldn’t be able to stop my heart. This is what the tired mind does. It’s biology. But I can observe the noise, accept it, dissociate, perceive it as not me, not mine, not myself. The same way I observe the breath. And this is exactly what I did.
- Thoughts generated by greed, hatred, and delusion. Very distinct. Thoughts I voluntarily follow. Fueled by ego. These have to be acknowledged, accepted and stopped.
So I sat there being mindful of my body, breath and the noise in my head. But whenever a thought stood out and tried to hijack my attention I acknowledged it and let it fade away. Whenever an emotion arose I would bring my attention to my whole body and the emotion would dissolve.
This morning I woke up early and sat for half an hour. It went very well.