8 Dec. More meditation. More sleeplessness.

Today, I woke up at 3 AM. Not that I wasn’t tired. I desperately needed sleep. But I couldn’t fall asleep again. It’s getting ridiculous. I have serious issues with sleep. This only shows how poor meditator I am. Five years of practice, over 100 posts on the blog about meditation and yet I can’t sleep like a normal person. Embarrassing.

Two damn good coffees later, shortly before 5 AM, I was already on the meditation cushion, the candle was burning, the incense stick was lit. I almost forgot to switch off the silent mode on my phone again. I did it after I started the timer already which resulted in the Insight Timer app not ringing bells anyway. So I sat there for an hour and a half not having a clue how much time had actually passed. Poor meditator and not too bright at that.

A few words about those 90 minutes on the cushion. I tried hard to be diligent and tedious in noticing the thoughts and bringing my attention back to the breath. Probably that was the reason why I experienced no boredom whatsoever. I also saw how irrelevant, weak and harmless my thoughts really were. My mind quieted down for no longer than 10-30 seconds at a time. Which gave me many brief opportunities to experience the silence. A strong conviction (or realisation?) arose in me that the silence was not created, that it had always been here and the key for accessing it is one’s ability to maintain focus/mindfulness.

I’m listening to John Frusciante’s 2004 album: “The will to death”. The beauty. The sadness. Is beauty even possible without at least a hint of sadness? I’m looking forward to running on Saturday (and perhaps on Sunday). It occurred to me yesterday, that I only feel free when I work out, run or meditate. I’m only truly free when I’m working out, running or meditating.

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