29 Dec. Faith. Worry.

Despite my diligence in practice, for the past few weeks, my mind has been constantly bombarded by worry and angst. I’m practising concentration using mindfulness of breathing. I haven’t achieved jhanas yet, at best access concentration. But it’s so pleasant, so quiet, so still… On the cushion. Off the cushion, however… it’s a whole different story.

So I was lying in bed last night and harmful thoughts/fantasies/recollections were appearing in my head one after another. And I knew that I shouldn’t be taking them seriously, but the fear that the thoughts would materialise was overwhelming. I tried to reason with them. I tried to rationalize this process. It didn’t work at all. And then a thought struck me: I believe my thoughts, I take them seriously. But in reality what I was doing was like arguing with imaginary friends, or talking back to the voices in my head.

I’ve been learning Buddhism for the past 5 or 6 years. I have experienced amazing things both on and off the cushion. I’ve seen science and my own experience confirming the teachings of the Buddha so many times. The main question is then – why don’t I have any faith? Why do I still have to talk myself out of unskilful behaviours? Why can’t I just rest assured of their illusionary nature? I need to think about it.

The entire practice rests on the faith, verified in experience, that the field of vast brightness is ours from the outset.

[Hongzhi]