29 Mar. Time.

I’m listening to a podcast about time. I don’t know why but I feel that this subject is important for my practice. They say past is already gone and the present hasn’t arrived yet. Aren’t we then stuck between two states on non-existence? Doesn’t it mean that the present also has no reality?

I beg to differ. Past is real. (Pyramids and scars prove that the past is pretty solid.) And future – we all know what may happen next and so we adjust our behaviour accordingly. (If that wasn’t the case then nobody would ever worry about the future). Future feels pretty real to me.

The present exists too. We just can’t pin it down. (Just like I wouldn’t be able to grab a bullet in mid-air. Does it mean that the bullet isn’t real?)

Time is just a rate at which events unfold. When I sit and meditate and sometimes every noticeable movement ceases – what happens with time?

Mornings are so cold these days. I get up before everyone else in my house or on my street even. I have been smoking for the majority of my life. Quitting is so hard. Smoking connects me with the good old days. Not smoking feels like a betrayal. The feelings of lacking and missing out are horrible. A void in the void.

Last night, I knew that there was no way I could do mindfulness of breath. Worry. (If you have kids, the world will hold them hostage. Didn’t Buddha say about his newborn son: “A fetter (rahula) has been born, a bondage has been born”?). But I didn’t want to skip meditation. So I sat with my mala and did 216 repetitions of Buddha Mantra: Om muni muni mahamuni shakyamuniye svaha. Halfway through my mind calmed down.

And for that I’m grateful.

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