26 Dec. Controlling.

So I was sitting in a meeting in work staring through the window, completely ignoring a large display on the wall as well as the whole discussion going on in the room. 2018. 36 years old. I thought about my last day in primary school. When I left the building with the cert in my hand, I stopped and spat over my shoulder with disgust. Last night, I listened to Billy Corgan doing an acoustic version of 1979 on YouTube. It almost brought tears to my eyes. When I was playing with my daughter this morning, I suddenly thought about my endless and pointless walks when I was a teenager. Just me, absurd weather, the surreal city where I grew up, and Pearl Jam’s Vs. in my headphones. I miss the past very much.

My job is so demanding. It sucks all the energy and joy out of me. I sit on my ass the whole day staring at the screen and yet when I am back at home I feel exhausted. At the same time, I know very well that it is my own mind that decides when I am tired, and when I am energised. I know… And yet…

I thought about all the years of reading about Buddhism. All those wonderful blogs I follow on WordPress. Wise books. The wisdom of masters contained in Chan and Zen poetry. Tao Te Ching. Fake and real Buddha quotes on Facebook and Instagram too. Some (shorter) sutras.

It all fades away when compared to an hour in total silence on the meditation cushion. Have words ever changed anyone? Wisdom arises from a quiet mind.

I managed to find the time to sit last night. While on the meditation cushion, it occurred to me that most of my suffering is created by my desire to control life, to avoid and solve problems. This morning, another thought came to me – controlling is not the source of suffering, rather my lack of understanding what can and what can’t be controlled.

When I was walking my dog, later on, I thought that sometimes one ought to control. The problem really is that we try to control what we should let go (like other people not living up to our expectations) and let go when we should exercise control and ownership – like our own shortcomings.

Which brings me to the topic of the New Year’s resolutions. Here are mine: don’t judge, don’t complain, accept the inevitable suffering that is beyond my control. Enjoy it.

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