19 Jan. Stress.

I uninstalled the Insight Timer application. So yesterday morning, I used the standard timer on my phone, mistakenly set it up to 20 hours and realised something was wrong only when I heard my neighbors leaving for work.

The last social media / entertainment application that remains on my phone is YouTube. But this one is staying because of Dharma Talks, music and (popular) science.

Tons of stress in work. The type of stress that makes you want to wail or hit something repeatedly. The type of stress that can crush you. I know, because I have been there. I felt it creeping on me again yesterday. I thought about the sleepless nights, smoking, bad mood, sadness, anger and self-pity to come. And I asked myself, where was my Buddhism? It was right there.

It is all mind games. It really is. It is all a matter of what will you put inside your own head. And whether or not you will allow others to fill your mind with rubbish. Do you remember that Zen story about a guy hanging from a cliff and tasting a strawberry? Or this beautiful line from “Tao Te Ching”: Stop thinking, and end your problems? Or this one from “Faith in Mind”: Do not search for the truth; only cease to cherish opinions?

I figured, that I will simply treat my anxious thoughts the same way I treat any type of thought that arises during meditation: notice, acknowledge, come back to the breath. But the real problem still exists. I can meditate all I want, I can be mindful all I want, but the problem will not go away on its own. There are conversations to be had. Arguments to put forward. Plans to make. But the right answers seem to appear only in the mind that is peaceful – not anxious, angry, jealous or scared. This is my experience.

Hopefully, I will handle this with dignity and wisdom. Otherwise, the terrorists will win.

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