29 May. I know… but I won’t tell ya!

When I meditated on Saturday morning, I saw my negative thoughts flowing within me silently like a thick black river. On the following night, I had a dream. I dug a whole outside my family house in Poland where I grew up. I accidentally dug into a dark concrete tunnel. It stretched forever in both directions. I also noticed stairs going even deeper into the ground. The smell of damp cold air was awful. The smell of decay and fear.

My wife knows how mighty I struggle with the concept of re-birth. When I tried to explain to her what I had learned through reading of the article by Thanissaro Bhikkhu “The Truth of Rebirth” (Buddha’s stand on the issue: I know… but I won’t tell ya!) she said: My God, I have déjà vu! No, I said, I am just so bloody repetitive.

Indeed, I lost almost all interest in anything other than Dhamma. Even working out. This is something I have never expected to happen. The gym has been my passion for years. I have been working out between 5 to 10 times per week. But I spent so much time trying to understand the idea of aggregates and observing their arising and passing that I must have internalised this concept and my motivation to build muscle simply died out. I still go, but I kind of a force myself. And here is the kicker: I am not sad about it.