5 Sep 19. Not my friend.

Yesterday I meditated before leaving for work and after putting my kids to bed. Morning meditation was enjoyable. Evening sitting: one pointless anxious thought after another. This is my problem and the source of great suffering: anxious thoughts, worry about kids and work. So as I was meditating last night, my mind created one dreadful thought after another. I felt my heart rate increase, lungs and stomach contract. But I would always come back to the breath and manage to calm myself down a bit… Until another anxious thought arrived.

And suddenly I stopped perceiving my thoughts as separate occurrences that have to be dealt with individually but one giant series, a centipede with countless segments. I realised that they are not objective reality, but they are my personal reality I create for myself. And it shocked me how much suffering my own mind generates. And I thought: not my friend, my mind is not my friend. And I remembered the “Not-Self Characteristic Discourse”: my mind is indeed not me, not mine, not myself. I felt it. I experienced it. I felt such a relief. If I am not my mind, where will I find shelter? And the only answer I could find was: non-judgmental awareness. I think it is a very good answer.

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