Mildly anxious thoughts about work before falling asleep last night. And then a realisation – my anxiety is really caused by inability to fulfil the desire for things/states I wrongly assume will bring me permanent happiness (like my boss treating me fairly, me paying off debts and so on).
That night, I had a dream about German soldiers during the World War II trapped in an underground bunker dying from starvation and suicide: shooting or blowing themselves up with grenades or breaking their own necks in Karnapidasana yoga pose. (I played Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 for a few minutes before going to bed.)
When I woke up this morning, I had another aha moment. The term dukkha makes more sense to me as meaning: “not bringing permanent happiness, relief, peace” rather than “bringing suffering, stress, pain” (just like anatta describes what phenomena are not rather than what they are).
Is happiness really nothing more than a temporary satisfaction of craving? If so, the only way to everlasting happiness is elimination of craving. Renunciation, not accumulation. Letting go, not attainment. Accepting that there is nothing in this life I can hold on to.
Bad At Being Still 
Does playing a video game of violence point your awareness to violence states? Angry states? We cannot even watch television or movies without becoming the plot. We have so little equanimity. This is probably part of why life is so jarring for us. We are terrified so much
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I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to have such ordinary experiences as watching tv influencing your mind so much! In my case, I wouldn’t say that violent games/movies point out to violent states, rather to fear and pity as I always identify and feel for the victims. My gruesome dream was full of sorrow, helplessness and sympathy. Probably those poor soldiers in my dream represented the characters I was killing in the game… Scrupulous conscience on steroids.
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