27 Apr. Dukkha.

Mildly anxious thoughts about work before falling asleep last night. And then a realisation - my anxiety is really caused by inability to fulfil the desire for things/states I wrongly assume will bring me permanent happiness (like my boss treating me fairly, me paying off debts and so on). That night, I had a dream …

19 Apr 20.

It's wonderful how in meditation the complexity of the outside world is reduced to just one of the three feelings: pleasant, unpleasant, neutral, and how the vast network of thoughts (we perceive as unique, personal and private) turns out to originate from a single source: boring, common, mundane and banal craving.

9 Apr 20. It only hurts when you think about it.

I have received yet another solid dose of injustice in my workplace a few days ago. I saw it coming and I was dreading those sleepless nights, bad mood, frustration and anger I have experienced so many times before. And yet, it is very different this time. What I feel the most in the nasty …

5 Apr 20. Distractions.

Here is my morning routine. I get up. I think about my job. My heart is racing. I feel angry and tired. I have a cup of coffee. I don't expect to wake up happy anymore. And it breaks my heart. This morning however a realisation overwhelmed me: those hurtful thoughts are not the norm, …

2 Apr 20. Today I will not meditate.

Every day for a few minutes I read from the Anapanasati Sutta. Very carefully. With pleasure. I have memorised the first two tetrads: about the breath and feelings becoming quiet. When I don't feel like meditating, I tell myself: Today I will not meditate. I will just sit down for a few minutes and count …

21 Mar 20. A dream.

In my dream, I was reading an article written by an elderly Soto Zen nun describing enlightenment of her master. She was able to capture in words the actual process of transformation. As I was reading it, the awareness of my own faults and failures grew. At the end of the text, when the master …

18 Mar 20. Hate.

I woke up before 6 AM. I had a coffee number 1 and a coffee number 2. I read Satipatthana Sutta. I think I now understand why the Theravada sutras are written in this peculiar way: full of repetitions. I have noticed that it is only irritating when you are reading the text for the …

14 Mar 20. Breathing.

I meditate as much as I can. When my mind is particularly unsettled, I count out-breaths. Then I proceed to anapanasati (mindfulness of breathing). I try to practice it exactly how the Satipatthana Sutta instructs me: I breathe mindfully experiencing the whole body. Such a simple practice. I enjoy it so much. I wake up …

3 Mar 20. Thoughts.

A few days ago, while meditating, I had this realisation: I don't lose mindfulness because my thoughts appear. Rather, thoughts appear because I lose mindfulness. For me, the implication of this discovery in terms of simplifying and clarifying my practice is huge. There is just this one thing to do in meditation: awareness of the …

19.02.20. Funeral.

Monday. The funeral of my friend's father. I didn't know the gentleman. I attended because I knew his son. After the mass, I drove a few people from the church to the cemetery. When we were approaching the cemetery, an older Polish lady who was with us said: "We are born with nothing. We die …