13 May 23. Death.

OK. So the last two years. Amphetamines, coke, alcohol, nicotine, antidepressants. Not very Buddhist of me. I know. But it is what it is. As you can imagine, I haven't been meditating regularly. Try to sit and meditate after 36 hours of no sleep, during a come-down after two days of coke and speed binge. …

14 Aug 21. Mindfulness.

I have always thought about sati (mindfulness) as a skill. Something we consciously apply to whatever arises in our experience. So I am reading this book called "Buddha's last sermon – in hell". In the book, the protagonist, a woman called M., talks about sati not as a skill, but as a reflex. It really stuck with me. How …

13 Jan 21. Sad head. Bright head.

This morning I woke up with a heart full of sorrow and a head full of sad, sad dreams. Dreams about the past. Longings. Things forever out of my reach. Forever missed. I remembered below poem composed by Matty Weingast based on one of the texts from Pali Canon ("The First Free Women: Poems of …

7 Nov 20. Sadness. Devotion. Nembutsu.

I have always been plagued by a feeling of sadness. Not so much now in my thirties as I was in my teens and twenties. Now, having a family and a job, I simply don't have time for it. And that's the point - when I look at my sadness, I realise how selfish it …

24 Oct 20. Falling.

Meditation is so very different now when, while maintaining focus on the breath in the body, I also hold in mind the teachings of the Buddha: 4 Noble Truths, 3 Marks of Existence, 5 Hindrances, 7 Factors of Awakening. No, not mentally repeating them, just knowing them by heart. When I sit, I simply remember …

9 Oct 20. Mindfulness.

Is mindfulness really paying non-judgemental attention to whatever is occurring in the present moment? Or is it keeping in mind the Dhamma and applying it to present experience which requires both judgement and concern about the future results? This morning whenever a painful thought arose, I remembered that it was impermanent, pleasure thought - ultimately …

6 Oct 20. Boundaries. A finger.

Sometimes my mind is so quiet during meditation. This morning however sitting through those 40 minutes was really a chore. My mind was busy with liking and disliking, longing and fear, desire and anger. A thought occurred to me that both liking and disliking are not really that different, that they serve the same purpose …

1 Aug 20.

all those yearsmeditatingtalking and thinkingin the endyou only need to give upwhat is already slipping away

27 Apr. Dukkha.

Mildly anxious thoughts about work before falling asleep last night. And then a realisation - my anxiety is really caused by inability to fulfil the desire for things/states I wrongly assume will bring me permanent happiness (like my boss treating me fairly, me paying off debts and so on). That night, I had a dream …

19 Apr 20.

It's wonderful how in meditation the complexity of the outside world is reduced to just one of the three feelings: pleasant, unpleasant, neutral, and how the vast network of thoughts (we perceive as unique, personal and private) turns out to originate from a single source: boring, common, mundane and banal craving.