27 Oct 21. Never-ending practice.

Sitting with Soto Zen folks in Dublin again. 45 minutes of staring at the wall, followed by a few minutes of walking meditation, followed by another 15 minutes of sitting meditation. When I was preparing to leave, a lady asked me about my sitting. I said it didn't feel like an hour. - Time flies …

27 Apr. Dukkha.

Mildly anxious thoughts about work before falling asleep last night. And then a realisation - my anxiety is really caused by inability to fulfil the desire for things/states I wrongly assume will bring me permanent happiness (like my boss treating me fairly, me paying off debts and so on). That night, I had a dream …

9 Apr 20. It only hurts when you think about it.

I have received yet another solid dose of injustice in my workplace a few days ago. I saw it coming and I was dreading those sleepless nights, bad mood, frustration and anger I have experienced so many times before. And yet, it is very different this time. What I feel the most in the nasty …

5 Apr 20. Distractions.

Here is my morning routine. I get up. I think about my job. My heart is racing. I feel angry and tired. I have a cup of coffee. I don't expect to wake up happy anymore. And it breaks my heart. This morning however a realisation overwhelmed me: those hurtful thoughts are not the norm, …

18 Mar 20. Hate.

I woke up before 6 AM. I had a coffee number 1 and a coffee number 2. I read Satipatthana Sutta. I think I now understand why the Theravada sutras are written in this peculiar way: full of repetitions. I have noticed that it is only irritating when you are reading the text for the …

14 Mar 20. Breathing.

I meditate as much as I can. When my mind is particularly unsettled, I count out-breaths. Then I proceed to anapanasati (mindfulness of breathing). I try to practice it exactly how the Satipatthana Sutta instructs me: I breathe mindfully experiencing the whole body. Such a simple practice. I enjoy it so much. I wake up …

3 Mar 20. Thoughts.

A few days ago, while meditating, I had this realisation: I don't lose mindfulness because my thoughts appear. Rather, thoughts appear because I lose mindfulness. For me, the implication of this discovery in terms of simplifying and clarifying my practice is huge. There is just this one thing to do in meditation: awareness of the …

16 Nov. Killing the Buddha. Part 2.

I was very uncomfortable preparing this post. It felt like slandering my own parents. But here are the main reasons why I have decided to practice meditation only and to detach myself from all forms of Buddhism.  In short - my thinking mind just can't handle the complexity, information overload and conflicting statements of Buddhism. …

11 Oct 19. Suffering as a pastime activity.

Only a few months ago I was complaining that I couldn't find the time to sit. But when I eventually resumed my practice, I was always able to find the time. The more I sit, the more time I seem to have. My sittings are getting longer because when I am meditating time loses its …

3 Oct 19.

So grateful for my practice. I sit as much as I can. I don’t even have to force myself to do so. The more I do it the more everything else reveals itself as dukkha, anicca, anatta. And the eternal question: How much should I meditate each day? My answer – applicable to myself - …