29 Dec. Faith. Worry.

Despite my diligence in practice, for the past few weeks, my mind has been constantly bombarded by worry and angst. I'm practising concentration using mindfulness of breathing. I haven't achieved jhanas yet, at best access concentration. But it's so pleasant, so quiet, so still... On the cushion. Off the cushion, however... it's a whole different story. So …

8 Oct. Stress and worry, and the wisdom of the body.

Friday night - not even 10 minutes of mantra meditation. Exhausted. Drowsy. Saturday morning, an hour: 40 minutes of mantra followed by 20 minutes of mindfulness of breath. Not enough sleep. Racing thoughts, but also quite a few moments of total silence. Hard work. A lot of nonsensical thoughts created by the tired mind. No point …

4 Oct. Worry rhymes with victory.

Last night I didn't feel like sitting at all. I had done 30 minutes in the morning already. Tired out after a long day full of tension, pressure, and stress. Despite everything, I sat for 20 minutes. It was so pleasant. So good. So calm. My theory: it was so because I didn't expect anything …

3 Oct. Bad meditation! Bad, bad meditation!

My sittings on Sunday and Monday nights were terrible. It took a lot of effort to sit still for those 17 and 18 minutes. I was very sleepy. Very agitated and grumpy afterward. It felt more like doing push-ups than meditating. This morning - 30 minutes. My mind worrying all the time. No matter how …

4 Sep. I was wrong. Worry and no-worry.

Yesterday I sat for 40 minutes in the morning and 30 in the evening. As usual, I started off with the Buddho mantra. Very fast silent repetitions. And then anapanasati. At the same time, I tried to be aware of my body, be in it, feel it, experience it and experience through it. Each sense …

29 Aug. Not great, not great at all.

Night sittings much better than the morning ones. A lot of misery, stress and sadness lately. Where is the wisdom? Where is the bliss? How many years have I been meditating already – 4, 5? And for what reason? I want to progress, I want to move on. Otherwise in 10 years I will still …

26 Aug. Buddho and Batman.

I've stumbled upon this blog post talking about the concept of Self in Vajrayana Buddhism. I think the post is based on this short clip in which Shinzen Young speaks about Self = mental image + mental talk + body. It makes so much sense! It occurs to me more and more that once I really …

27 Jul. Self-compassion

Last night: 20 minutes. So bad. Swirling thoughts. No focus whatsoever. I realized that my body was just exhausted from work, financial worries, restrictive diet and family duties. I needed sleep. I needed food. There was nothing I could do to fix my meditation when my body was tired. So I let go of my …

26 Jul. Self, Non-Self, screw your Self.

Half an hour last night. I should say that it was a miracle that I managed to meditate at all after yet another turbulent and draining day... Quite the contrary! It was exactly why I found the strength to meditate. Meditation is not yet another of my duties. Nobody monitors my progress. Nobody will ever reward …