Yesterday I sat for 40 minutes in the morning and 30 in the evening. As usual, I started off with the Buddho mantra. Very fast silent repetitions. And then anapanasati. At the same time, I tried to be aware of my body, be in it, feel it, experience it and experience through it. Each sense organ has a consciousness, they say. Not only the mind. I tried to perceive my body as empty. If you look at the car, but only see separate parts – there is no car. I tried to experience meditation with my whole body. Very pleasant. I felt very happy. I felt as if my body was a very deep well. Whatever fell inside lost its meaning and disappeared. Most importantly I managed to retain a portion of this awareness and have been carrying it around with me.
I can clearly see that I was wrong being so fixated on achieving concentration. Exploring the mystery of the selfhood seems to be so important and gratifying. I have a feeling that once selfhood is understood, everything else will fall into place. I’m educating myself about skandhas and the “Heart Sutra”.
A thought came to me last week. I’m 99% sure I didn’t steal it from anybody. On the other hand, I’m certain that millions of people came up with the same idea already. One of the things that Buddhism has taught me is that I’m not unique or special. Whatever I think, discover and describe on this blog is not special or unique. Countless human beings were, are and will be facing the same struggles and make exactly the same discoveries. It’s such a relief!
I realized that when I’m worried, I’m not really worried about a certain situation that may happen in the future. I’m only concerned about my reaction to it. If I was certain that I could respond to the event with understanding, kindness, compassion, and wisdom – then there would be no reason to worry about anything. Ever. The present moment always overwrites past and future. If I’m wise and skillful in the present moment – I’m always skillful.
Bad At Being Still 