26 Jul. Self, Non-Self, screw your Self.

Half an hour last night. I should say that it was a miracle that I managed to meditate at all after yet another turbulent and draining day… Quite the contrary! It was exactly why I found the strength to meditate. Meditation is not yet another of my duties. Nobody monitors my progress. Nobody will ever reward me for sitting. I enjoy it. I transform it into an asylum and a shelter.

My meditation practice is either about creating a positive mindset (Buddha recollection, visualization), practicing focus (samatha: mantra or mindfulness of breathing) or understanding three marks of existence (mindfulness, shikantaza). Yesterday it was all about Non-Self. My Self can be a sadistic asshole at times.

So I sat and followed my breath while monitoring body sensations. I recalled that what I experience as a Self is just a bunch of involuntary physical processes + a good amount of social and evolutionary conditioning. Nothing unique or special about it. More like a process of food digestion than the Feast of the Ascension… No core “I”, no homunculus pulling the strings. Just an infinitive field of awareness that temporarily crystallized in this physical form.

I went from body/breath awareness, to awareness of my surroundings, kitchen I was sitting in, the house, the street and so on. The less centered and condensed my consciousnesses was the greater relief I felt. Nothing personal. Nothing special. Nothing unnatural. Nothing out of ordinary.

And then my nose itched. God Almighty, how badly it itched!