A few very rough days behind me. Physical sickness. A lot of mental suffering as well. Almost beyond my strength. And sleeplessness. A few days in a row I found myself waking up at 1 or 2 AM and not being able to fall asleep again. I did not meditate. I just couldn’t. But I tried. On one occasion I ended up beating my meditation cushion furiously with my fists. At 4 AM. This is how bad it was. I was also upset with Buddhism. Why the hell I spend so much time meditating and developing wisdom if I still can’t sleep?
Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts. What a useless and dangerous thing. I listen to Ajahn Martin talks. I have discovered this wise man through this blog post. I listen to him every day. Those Tahi Forest Tradition monks are so wise. So down to earth.
Anyway, I have resumed my practice. My air, water, bread, love. My commitment is strong to finally break from the chains of my own stupidity. And see.
I have read from Anattalakkhana Sutta today. This piece almost brought me to tears.
The well-instructed noble disciple gets wearied of form, gets wearied of feeling, gets wearied of perception, gets wearied of mental formations, gets wearied of consciousness. Being wearied he becomes passion-free. In his freedom from passion, he is liberated. Being liberated, he knows: ‘birth is exhausted, lived is the holy life, what had to be done is done, there is nothing more of this world.
Bad At Being Still 